Ghost of Christmas Eve

   Often I imagine, that I am watching my life with the eyes of me from the past. A little bit like Ebenezer Scrooge in the book of Charles Dickens titled "Christmas carol". I am making a kind of "time travel". But I see everything with the eyes of myself from 12 years ago. I am 17 years old again. There is a guide with me, who shows myself, the same like Christmas ghosts form the film, in some different stages of my life.

***

- What I am doing here?- I asked the ghost, when I saw myself in a small room with the foreign person with strange, cosmic glasses like from 3D cinema.
- You are a physiotherapist in the clinic in Warsaw. There is disbelief on my face again. I see myself  serving a weird machine, moving the small object along a spine of the patient. The picture is disappearing.

I feel often like Mr. Nobody from one of my favorite film.

"We cannot go back. that’s why it’s hard to choose. You have to make the right choice.

as long as you don’t choose, everything remains possible."

***

    The next one appears. This time I have a impression that I am a little bit older. I have different colour of my hair. I am talking with a tall man in a white uniform. 
-Do I speak in French?- I asked the ghost when I hear conversation in the foreign language.
- Yes, you are working in France in the hospital. This time I am totally shocked, I don't believe, I have the impression that the ghost is joking from me. Suddenly a girl, who is myself in the future turns her head. I see some sadness in her eyes...

***

     We are suddenly in my old apartment. In the front of a cot there is my mum. She looks so beautiful, she is very young, she has black, curly hair. 

-Mummy, mummy, I 'll show you something- I hear the baby voice coming from the crib. I come closer and I see small girl in the crawler with a dark hair.

- Gosh, it is me up there! I remember that day!- I say aloud feeling amazing emotions and joy from the past, which were assisted myself that evening.

- (Lyrics of the polish song for babies) Hop, hop, hop, hop there is no need to have a cord! A small alive Babygro is jumping like a squirrel!- sang with enthusiasm in her voice a small girl making a jumping jack. She is so joyful  that I couldn't stop staring at her. " Bravo, bravo"- is screaming my mum with a happiness with her voice. The image was starting to disappear.

 ***

- And who is that guy- I asked my guide.
- It's your boyfriend- he answered. You've met him him on the student's exchange Erasmus. 
-Was I on Erasmus?
- Yes, your stay in Czech Republic will be very rich of feelings and emotions which will change you forever.
After those words in my mind I see the pictures from not far away past, memories, the first treks in the Czech Republic and visit in Prague with my parents, brother and sister, pizza in Czech village.   Scenes, which I had only in my teenager's mind. I have the red high heeling shoes and short daring dress. I passed between the walls of the "Starahovny Monastery". Somebody is fallowing me. I hear the sound of marching feet. Suddenly I feel the hand on my shoulder. It is the same boy with the dark hair from pizzeria. He looks at me with the eyes burning of desire. After few seconds he is pressing me to the walls of the monastery and kissing deeply.

 The image is changing and I see again the guy with the blond hair. He is dancing with a brassy moving girl. 
- He is dancing?- I asked my ghost. Yes, he loves dance like you do. There will flare up love between you each other. 
I can not believe in the words of my my ghost again. As a 17 years old teenager I fondly believe that bilateral feeling of love can fight all adversity. When I come closer, I see the eyes and the face of man. He has the beauty of the angel but he appears to be foreign. I am smiling to myself when I am watching his silhouette moving in the dance. 

***

I was in the half- light now. I heard the music coming from the vinyl disk, which my grandma always played for me. This music lives always in me. Suddenly I hear the laugh and pitapat of a small girl. 
- Bravo, wonderfully- said grandma. From the half-light emerged a small version of me.She is making some turns, rhythmic steps and she is spinning in dance. I am like enchanted. I have my favorite woolen dress from the childhood with the braces- the gift from my "pretended" aunty from GDR. My small pony tale is jumping time and time again with the rhythm of the music.

G'up Dk- jazz&contenporaine

- I loved this dress- I said ones to the ghost spontaneously.
- You are like a real dancer, you dance excellently, you will be a dancer, bravo! - grandmother was shouting.To be honest haven't become a dancer, but my love to dance left for always in my heart and in the reality I have never stopped dancing.

***

We are transposing again. I see the small girl who is playing with a doll. She is beautiful, she has a pigtail from a golden hair. 
- This is your daughter- explaining the ghost- the biggest love in your life after your husband. I am coming closer very slowly to the direction of the girl to see her eyes and face. From the far away I hear my voice, I am talking with some man, we are laughing. Suddenly the girl seems to be feeling our presence and she turns her head. Before I manage to see her face the picture will disappear in the split second... I am again here, in France in the present. In the stage where there is nothing definite, future is creating now my dear reader and it is brand with the big question mark... :)

"I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid I haven't been alive enough!"

"Mr. Nobody"